A Letter to the Child I'll Never Meet

Little one,

Today, June 6, 2017, is your due date. It's hard to comprehend that only a short 9 months ago, you were something so real. Today you aren't in my belly, you aren't in my arms; you're in my heart.

I worried that after I lost you, I would forget you, but I didn't. I could never forget you. The days after I lost you were some of the most emotionally crippling and lonely days I've ever experienced. It's hard to pinpoint one emotion, because there were countless emotions. Disbelief, sadness, heartache, anger and grief are a few that come to mind. As the weeks passed, I learned how to control my emotions but sometimes they still show up when I least expect it.

Although we only had a short 10 weeks together, you have impacted my life more than you'll ever know. You taught me that I have the strength to overcome the most difficult of days, even when I feel like I can't possibly take anymore. You showed me that God has a way of healing a broken heart in the most unexpected ways. You helped me understand that sometimes things don't work out as planned and that's okay. You will continue to remind me that I must embrace life's unexpected detours and focus on the good that each day offers, because there is certainly something good to be found in each new day.

You, my little one, have changed me in a way that no one else ever has or ever will.

Until we meet again,
Your Mommy 

Message in a Bottle

Miscarriage. Eleven letters. Three syllables. One word. A word that has changed my life, forever. It’s been four months since I lost my baby at ten weeks. From the outside looking in, I may appear to look fine, but on the inside, well, that’s a different story; an entirely different language that even sometimes I can’t even comprehend. Grief has many faces and not all of them are pretty. I’m not the same person I was 4 months ago but at some point I came to the realization that I had two choices: I could let the loss of my baby break me or make me. Sometimes pain can serve as a powerful vehicle for positive change.

Early on it felt like my grief was going to swallow me whole and cast me out into a sea of vast waves with no land in sight. And some days, it did. Other days though, I found myself talking to others about my loss…about the child I would never meet. And so I chose to do the latter any chance I could. From early on I shared my story and you know what? Each time it got easier. Little did I realize that through my words, I was protecting my baby’s memory.

To some, ten weeks might seem like an insignificant amount of time, but I have two healthy children and they came from two healthy, albeit different, pregnancies. Two children who I prayed for long before I even learned I was pregnant. For me, that bond started well before I even saw two pink lines. I had no reason to believe that this baby wasn’t going to come into my life, like the two before it did. So you see, those ten weeks that I got to spend with my child meant the world to me.

Often times I find myself counting down the days until my due date. June 6^th. Sometimes I dread its arrival because when that day arrives, I won’t be bringing my baby home. When June 6^th arrives, I am choosing to dedicate that day to my baby. Maybe I’ll plant a tree. Maybe I’ll find myself sitting on the beach, my toes in the sand and my face towards the sun, taking in the peace that one often finds at the shoreline. And while I'm there, maybe I'll write a message to my baby, place it in a bottle, and throw it out to be swallowed in the sea. Regardless of what it is that I decide to do on that day, I know that I will push through the pain and continue to protect and preserve my baby’s memory.

Fireplace Makeover

We've been in our home for a little over one year and my "to-do" list of house projects is still a mile long. We built our home and as much as I love being the first occupants of it, sometimes I feel like it lacks character (can you say cookie-cutter?) I try to bring in character wherever I can, which typically results in me making trips to the antique store. This can be dangerous as I am like a kid in a candy shop when antique shopping...more on that another time. One of the projects that's been on my list is to makeover the fireplace. The fireplace is the focal point of our living room. On either side of it we added custom windows to compliment the series of windows on the adjacent wall and of course to bring in more natural light.

As the months have gone by I found myself often making comments about the black slate surrounding the fireplace. During the winter months we barely used the fireplace and yet the slate looked faded and worn. A few Pinterest pins later for some inspiration and we were dropping the kids of with their Gigi and heading to every new homeowners favorite place to go on the weekend, Home Depot.

Without following anything specific, we browsed the aisles of tile. I knew I wanted something bright, white and if it incorporated marble I was sold. After about an hour we had our tile. We went with a tile called Dove Prairie Mosaic. The combination offered a little bit of everything that I wanted and the tiles varied in texture...remember what I said earlier about character? We grabbed a few more items needed to lay the tile including a tile cutter and headed home to start our project.

Dove Prairie Mosaic // Home Depot

Side note: This project was completed a few days after my miscarriage (yes it's taken me four months to finally post it). Since I was still physically recovering with lots of back discomfort, Sean did all the manual labor. This was his first time laying tile and he did an amazing job. The project took two days to complete.

This project came together so perfectly. Exactly what I envisioned.

What a difference!

Another perspective...looking in from the kitchen